The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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