i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
