The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
