I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
