i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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