I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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