Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
