dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
