just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
