We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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