It's like a parade of train wrecks.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
