So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
