I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize