i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
