Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
