I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
