Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
