This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
