I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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