I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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