youre lurking in front of me
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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