I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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