You're a womanizer and a bitch.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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