and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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