rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
