Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
