i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
