Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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