my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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