i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
