I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
