Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I need to align my fucking chakras
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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