There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
