Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
