Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
