I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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