in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Is Oprah even human
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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