I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize