Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
