Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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