I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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