I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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