I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Can I color on your dick again?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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