So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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