I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
