It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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