we're blogging at a bar
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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