Soap is not a condiment
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
