Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
