I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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