We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
