70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
