Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
