I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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