My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
