I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
