need another drink. this is the easiest way
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
